As a young girl, I remember frequently
playing MASH with my best friend, a paper
and pencil game, commonly played by preteens intended to predict one's future. These predictions included the two
of us living on neighboring farms, marrying tall blondes with blue eyes,
tending to our herd of horses, while raising our children. To be even more
specific we each would have three children, for myself, it was two boys and one
girl, with the girl being the youngest of the bunch. We would drive trucks, and
ride and train horse for a living. Life on the farm would be perfect, and all
personal needs/desires would be sufficiently met.
If only our future could be so easily predicted, dreamed up, and
even as clearly mapped out as this. Often times as we try to navigate through
our lives with such control we find ourselves only confused and disappointed
when our personal plans and expectations fall through. We place such pressure
to succeed and fail to plan how we will react when this expected success does
not happen.
Around my husband’s and my seventh wedding anniversary we finally
had decided to take the next step in life, parenting. Given the fact that we
had the opportunity to witness many friends enter this stage in life much
before our decision to. We realized we could be embarking on a “not-so-fun” adventure,
trying to conceive. Both Jeff and I had decided to make a decision before we
began trying to get pregnant, discussing how we would handle fertility, if we
were to struggle, and at what point would we implement “plan b”, whatever that
would end up being.
At the beginning of this new season in life, we made the heartfelt
decision to adopt if getting pregnant was not on our side. We enjoyed the first
several months of this journey and tried to make this time together fun and not
stressful, however, reality and doubt began to hit. I would be lying if I said
I did not experience frustration and sadness as I began to wonder about our
future with the more and more time that passed. It was a future that years ago,
was so clear, now fogging over with confusion and hopelessness.
Even though we had made a plan for the unexpected possibility that
pregnancy may not naturally happen, I did not feel it was concrete or possible.
Adoption felt so comfortable to discuss when it was just a plan that was never
to be needed, but when the reality of our situation continued to hit us,
adoption felt scary and unknown, yet a glimpse of hope. God began placing
people in our lives who, had adopted children or were currently en route. We
started using the term more frequently, as if we knew what it meant for our
lives. The foreign word and concept started to seep into our minds, hearts, and
relationship. This “plan b” became our primary focus, all we wanted, all we
knew.
When it comes to God’s plan for our lives, all he is asking from us,
in the way of helping, is to have faith in him. The day we brought our twelve
day old baby boy home, was a day that my faith in God grew. God reveled his
love for us through sending this little boy, who so desperately needed a family
to love him, into the arms of a couple who so desired to share their love. I
could not have pictured anything more perfect than this.
I recognize that starting a family and the decisions that need to be
made are emotional, personal, and overwhelming. How can something so wonderful
be so stressful? How can something so well thought out, planned, dreamed,
mapped, feel so unorganized, messy, and frustrating? Without God completely
driving the ship, we are left wandering through this scary place of life alone.
My encouragement not just to parents, but to every individual, is to put down
the paper and pencil that continues to map out the perfect scenario and future,
it will never be perfect, as long as you continue to try and draw it out on
your own. Pray that God change the desires of your heart, pray that you begin
to see more clearly his plan for you, that you feel the passion for his
calling. Allow time to grieve and readjust your lens on life, and make sure to
submit to God’s plans and understand, that no matter what they are they will
always be best for you.
